


Lover come hold me

by heryellowcup



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with kind of a happy end?, Character Death, Comfort/Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, OR IS THERE, One Shot, Sorry Not Sorry, SuperCorp, okay nevermind, supercorp au, there's no supergirl, they won't be alright, they'll both be alright, this is angsty as hell, uhh so yeah this is really gay and really angsty but also not really, vigilante!kara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-09 21:01:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14723522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heryellowcup/pseuds/heryellowcup
Summary: Lena can't do this anymore, can't keep watching her best friend come home with bruises every night. She's scared that one day she won't be there to help, that one day it'll be too late.aka Kara is a vigilante AU; Lena is her best friendthey also happen to be madly in love





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Aand here's another one-shot. Angst. All mistakes are mine. 
> 
> enjoy!!

Lena jolts awake when she hears glass break somewhere in her apartment, followed by a loud thump that now rings in her ears. Her sleep is infiltrated with unresolved trauma these days, laced with nightmares that cause her to wake up to an empty bed. It’s shallow, just like her breathing now. Her heart is beating fast and she’s scared even though she knows exactly what’s happening, knows that she’ll be alright. Though the same can’t be said about Kara. It’s, perhaps, what scares Lena the most about getting woken up like this, about knowing Kara has been out again, doing unspeakable things. At least Lena thinks that’s what they are, considering the blonde never talks about what she does at night, never even bothers to come up with excuses. Excuses, Lena wouldn’t buy anyways. She trusts Kara, knows there must be reasons for the things she’s doing, knows she might just want to protect her. At least that’s what Lena hopes for. 

She jumps out of the bed quickly, despite the shaking, the trembling of her hands as she tries to put on some sweatpants. Lena knows what’s awaiting her outside in the living room, knows that she’ll never be prepared for it either, no matter how many times it happens. She’ll never be prepared to see her best friend in pain. The woman she loves. 

And still, she knows that she has to help. Wants to help. Wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt if she didn’t help. 

She opens her bedroom door just as a desperate groan escapes Kara’s lips and reaches her ears, causes her to inhale sharply, close her eyes for a second, before she feels like she’s anywhere near close to ready to look at the other girl. 

And even then she doesn’t feel okay with what she sees, sighs sadly when she notes the huge gash on Kara’s forehead. It’s dark outside, the moonlight barely illuminating the room well enough for Lena to make out anything but dark eyes and blood, a hunched figure leaning against their couch. She wants to cry right then and there, wants to bitterly ask Kara why she keeps doing this, wants to tell her how much it hurts. 

She doesn’t. 

“Kara…” Lena whispers, her voice already laced with desperation that she’s too tired to hide. She’s so tired. She slowly walks up to Kara, comes to a halt right in front of her, takes another deep breath before she looks up and carefully brushes some strands of blood stained hair out of the girl’s face, inspecting it for more wounds. She finds some, too many, but none of them are as deep as the one on her forehead. But still, there’s blood everywhere, running down her cheeks like the tears Lena wants to shed so badly. She has to look away, then, clenching her jaw. She can’t cry. “You can’t keep doing this…”

“I’m sorry…” It’s all Kara quietly responds with. She’s not looking at Lena either, hisses loudly when she sits down on the couch and tries to undress. It only makes Lena worry more, pushing away the frustration and anger that keeps occupying her mind in situations like this, stops her from seeing clearly. It’s feelings that she shouldn’t have. Feelings that are dangerous for both of them. 

“I should take you to the hospital, you know,” Lena sighs again, shaking her head, before she goes to get a washcloth from the bathroom. She hates that this is as much of a routine as it is, hates how used to this they both are. It has her seething, makes her want to punch her own reflection in the mirror. 

She knows she doesn’t have to do this, knows it’s not her responsibility. But then she sees Kara struggle in the other room and she’s with her in a second, tenderly helps her take off her blood stained shirt, only to find another gash right next to her ribs. 

“You know that’s not how it works,” Kara mumbles bitterly, between clenched teeth, winces when Lena carefully starts to clean the wound on her stomach. 

“Lie down,” the dark haired woman orders sharply, getting some sanitizer as well. She can’t do this, can’t stay calm. There’s no room for feelings. Not now, not ever. It’s almost embarrassing, the amount of times she has to tell herself this. “And why? Because then you’d finally have to tell someone what you do every night?!” she asks, spits out, a little harsher than intended, but not harsh enough for it to match how she feels inside. The sheer amount of anger and desperation barely audible in her voice. 

And Lena knows she shouldn’t suddenly act like this, shouldn’t feel like this. It’s not new, none of this is. This, the unspeakable thing neither of them ever talk about, has happened almost every night since Kara had moved in with her. Lena still didn’t regret it for one second, was glad that she had, even, not wanting to imagine how the blonde would survive without her. What she’d do without her. 

Lena had always been okay with it, still was, but it was starting to get to her. The not knowing. The uncertainty whether Kara would survive the night, whether she’d show up with a few bruises or pass out before she even made it to the door, into the safety of their little apartment. The safety that Lena always provided for her, no matter what. It hurt, the lack of trust, the unfair distribution of it in their relationship. It was torture. 

“You know I can’t tell anyone…” Kara whispers, then whimpers loudly when Lena accidentally grazes her gash. Lena, who wants to scoff, wants to laugh at how many times she heard that exact statement. She despises it. 

Kara keeps her eyes closed, hoping it would keep her tears hidden. But they roll down her cheeks anyways, slowly. She whimpers again when Lena gently wipes them away. 

“Why not, Kara? Why not? I don’t know how long I can keep doing this…” Lena wants to take her words back immediately, but it’s too late already. They’re out and it feels good, finally telling the truth. There is only silence after that, for a while, some stray tears wetting both of their faces. Lena’s voice is hoarse and low when she speaks again. “You need stitches.” 

Kara simply nods, staring out of the window now. Lena knows the feeling, would do about anything to be able to look anywhere but her friend that is so clearly in pain. But she can’t, knows her help is still needed. And what kind of a best friend would she be if she didn’t? How could she really be in love if she didn’t? Wasn’t that all love is? Sacrifice?

“You should be in a hospital right now, this is getting out of hand.” Lena repeats, her voice still laced with bitterness that successfully manages to cover the fear that those words are soaked in. She’s so scared. Scared, that eventually there’ll come a day where she can’t help Kara. Scared, that one day it’ll be too late. 

“You’re a doctor.” Kara states simply and Lena almost wants to laugh. A laugh that is both frustration and tears. Though, luckily for both of them, Kara is right. Lena is a well known doctor and can therefore provide the help Kara needs, whenever she comes home with her beautiful body covered in dark bruises. But she fears that soon the help of one doctor isn’t going to be enough. And this isn’t what she had wanted anyways, what she had imagined herself doing as a doctor. She had wanted to help people get better, not help to fix them temporarily so they could go out and hurt themselves all over again in what appeared to be a desperate attempt of self destruction. 

“Our living room is barely the best or safest place to do this.” 

“I like it here.” Kara’s voice is, again, barely above a whisper. But it’s gentle and real and Lena snorts loudly, running her hand through her hair. She’s still kneeling in front of the couch Kara is laying on and she finally manages to really look at her again, softly plays with her hair in an attempt to forget all the bad things for just one second. It’s easy when Kara smiles at her like this. 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Lena admits finally. She hates seeing Kara like this, hates that with one wrong move she could be the cause of even more pain, knows she definitely will be every time Kara needs stitches. 

“You’re not hurting me.” Kara reassures Lena, then smiles as she takes the older woman’s hand in her own. They both know it’s a lie, though Lena wants to believe her so desperately. “You’re saving me.” 

It’s enough for Lena to build up the courage to get up and gather all of the things she needs to fix Kara’s wounds properly. She knows it’s needed, knows it doesn’t matter whether she wants to do this or not. 

“I wish you didn’t need saving.” Lena hums, tries to comfort the other girl once she’s back with her and starts stitching her up. Her hands are still trembling, but she manages to pull herself together for this. She has to. And yet she winces every time Kara whimpers in pain, winces every time her needle breaks the delicate, smooth skin that she’s had the privilege of touching so many times. Lena knows she should be used to this by now, especially considering that she’s a doctor, that this is her job. But seeing Kara in pain wasn’t something she’d ever be able to endure and she knows it. She knows it’ll break her eventually. 

They both sigh in relief when Lena is done a few minutes later. There is, again, only silence after that, both of them silently trying to process what had happened, both of them trying to be okay with it. It takes a while, but eventually they move towards the bedroom. Lena’s. And it had been her own silent request, too, not wanting to sleep alone that night, too scared Kara would leave again. 

And so she tightly, yet carefully, wraps her arms around her friend once they had both gotten rid of most of their clothes and had settled in bed. Lena’s face is buried in the crook of Kara’s neck and the blonde lets her, know that she needs to be close, knows that they both need each other. It’s a promise, a reassurance that no matter what, Kara will always come back, will always cuddle up with her and pretend everything is normal. They both smile when Lena places a soft kiss on Kara’s neck, one that makes her shiver softly. 

“Kara?” Lena asks after a while, her lips brushing against Kara’s soft skin as the gentle question leaves her mouth quietly. Lena doesn’t know what she’s asking for yet, perhaps she just wants to feel said reassurance, wants to know that Kara’s still there, that she’s just as awake and scared as she is. That she can’t sleep either. 

“Mhh?” 

Lena almost smiles, but there’s too much pain in that simple hum alone and so she doesn’t dare to, turns around to face her friend instead, cups her cheek tenderly. “I need to know what you’re doing out there every night. I thought I could take it, you know, but I can’t. Every time I fall asleep I’m scared I’ll wake up to you stumbling into the apartment, hurt and bruised. I’m scared that one day you don’t come back, that you won’t make it. I’m scared that I’ll never know what happened, that I’ll never know what you’re doing. It’s not fair, Kara.” 

Lena’s voice had cracked halfway through her confession, tears now silently streaming down her face. Ones that Kara wiped away gently, with her thumb first, then with tender kisses. They don’t reassure Lena in the slightest, but they make her feel safe either way, let her know that she’s not alone, that Kara won’t just leave, that they’ll find a way. 

And there’s so much pain, still, so much unresolved feelings they have to work through. So many questions that Lena wants to ask, needs to ask, so many answers Kara has to provide. 

Lena believes her when she promises that she will, one day. She knows it’s foolish, knows words don’t necessarily have to mean anything. But she thinks that love is, indeed, sacrifice and trust. It’s all they have. Love is Kara. Love is what she feels when Kara proceeds to pull her closer, holds her when she sobs, whispers sweet promises into her ear. 

“I’ll always come back, I promise.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> soo I may have written a second chapter after some of you requested it! and there's a third one in the making as well! 
> 
> I highly recommend listening to "Cringe" by Matt Maeson (the 'stripped' version) while reading this. 
> 
> all mistakes are mine. enjoy!

When they wake up the next morning, their warm bodies still entangled under the covers just like they had been all night, holding each other, providing the comfort and safety they both needed so badly, they don’t talk about it. They never do. They don’t talk about the fact that Kara stumbled into their apartment the night before, huge gash on her forehead and an even bigger one next to her ribs. They don’t talk about the fact that Lena was there to help, that she stitched her up, fixed her. They don’t talk about the fact that it happens every night, that every night Lena wakes up to the sounds of an injured Kara entering their apartment, that every night she’s scared to open her bedroom door, scared that she’ll walk out into the living room just to find that it’s too late, that Kara didn’t make it. They don’t talk about the fact that Lena is afraid to go to bed at night, afraid to fall asleep, knowing Kara will leave, knowing that she’ll wake up to an empty bed, knowing that Kara won’t even tell her where she’s going. They don’t talk about anything. Ever. 

And even though Lena knows that she should be used to it by now, that it’s nothing more but a part of their routine, the pain still washes over her in waves whenever she looks at the blonde after one of those nights, whenever she looks at her and knows how much pain lies beneath the beautiful act she keeps up, the act of the bubbly, sheepish friend who can’t ever stop smiling around her. The friend who giggles at Lena’s jokes, blushes when the brunette compliments her, the friend who almost gets killed every night. 

Lena doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how to approach the subject anymore. She’s tried so many times, tried to talk about it more than once, got rejected every time. She’s tried it at night while they were comforting each other in the safety of Lena’s bed that had slowly started to become theirs. She’s tried in the safety of their covers and the dark. She’s tried it over breakfast, tried it during their movie nights. Lena accepted it after a while, accepted that this secret is always going to stand between the two of them. But then they don’t talk about other things either. They don’t talk about how they had started off in separate beds but now share one, they don’t talk about how Lena prepares breakfast for them every morning, they don’t talk about the way they cuddle during movie nights or the way they constantly look at each other, as if they mean everything to each other. They do. And yet they don’t talk about how they had started off as friends and then proceeded to slowly move on to something more, in between all of the chaos, all of the pain. 

It had been a steady process, one they barely noticed happening. It always felt so normal, so natural, the way they interacted with each other. The way they depended on each other. Lena knows it’s toxic, in a way, but she can’t call it that. Calls it love instead. Calls it trust issues and secrets and problems she hopes they’ll one day be able to overcome. 

She hopes it’ll happen before she breaks, hopes Kara will still be there to pick up the pieces. 

And though Lena can barely look at Kara without feeling all of those emotions rush over her all at once, even though tears start to well in her eyes whenever she thinks about the things that happen at night, the unspeakable things they had dubbed Kara’s secret, she gets up. She gets up and makes her way to the kitchen, prepares breakfast and coffee like she does every morning, slices some fruit she knows Kara will eat only for her. There’s one donut left, too, and Lena smiles as she places it on the blonde’s plate. It’s what she always does, it’s what she needs to pretend that everything is normal. It’s what she knows will make Kara smile and it’s said smile she knows will get her to survive the day. 

She goes on with her routine, takes a shower, gets dressed, and it’s only when she enters the kitchen again that she manages to forget everything for a second. She doesn’t need to pretend. Doesn’t need to pretend when she sees Kara sit at their kitchen aisle, wearing one of her oversized flannels, her hair a mess, her smile bright as she clutches the coffee mug in her hands, looks up at Lena and wishes her a good morning. The whole picture makes the brunette’s heart feel full, makes it beat fast in her chest, causes her lips to curve upwards in what is a genuine, happy smile. 

She ignores the wound on Kara’s forehead, focuses on those bright blue eyes instead. Focuses on the way the sun shining through their big windows gently plays with the blonde’s features, casts shadows where her dimples are. The atmosphere is bright and comfortable, so unlike the way they felt the night before. Lena feels like if she asked Kara now, perhaps she’d get an answer. But she doesn’t. Doesn’t want to ruin the moment, doesn’t want to see Kara’s smile fall. Doesn’t ever want to see that. 

It, however, does fall. Gets replaced by an adorable pout, the one that Lena loves so much, when the brunette packs up her own food and grabs her portable coffee mug. 

“Do you really have to go already?” Kara’s voice is sweet and warm and those puppy eyes of hers almost make Lena want to shake her head and say ‘no’, stay with her a little longer, bask in the sun and the beautiful moment they’ve created. Instead, she does what she does almost every morning, places a gentle kiss on the blonde’s cheek before she leaves for work.

She never looks back, doesn’t like the contrast of bloody wounds and bright blushes. But she still relishes in the fact that she can make Kara feel like this, that she can make her feel anything remotely close to the way she feels whenever she’s around her friend, whenever they touch, whenever they look at each other. 

And Lena misses Kara as soon as she leaves their apartment, misses her all day, just like she always does. Only able to breathe again once she comes back to her, back to their home, back into the tight embrace that awaits her every night, an embrace she gladly lets herself fall into, strong arms wrapping themselves around her tired body. She wants to drown in the familiar feeling of said embrace every time, wants to keep her face buried in the crook of Kara’s neck forever, wants to feel soft skin against her own, relishes in the way the blonde soothingly rubs her back. Every part of her being is longing. Longing for the feeling of everything being okay, something she only ever gets to feel in Kara’s arms. She wants Kara to ask about her day like she always does. Wants to tell her about it, too, though she tends to leave out details of torturing thoughts about nightmares, about their relationship. There’s no room for those feelings in that moment, no room for anything but their content sighs and happy smiles on their lips. It’s all that matters. 

The brunette’s smile doesn’t falter all night, then, not when they’re in bed, when she knows what’s inevitably going to happen, and if it’s just for the sake of Kara being there with her, still. Holding her, still, as they both drift off to sleep. And it only falls once Lena opens her eyes again, heavy with sleep and tremors, the fear of waking up to an empty space next to her now reality. And it’s then that she’ll hear the familiar sounds of Kara stumbling into the living room, that she’ll sigh sadly and get up, get up to fall back into their painful routine that offers nothing to smile about. 

It goes on like that for weeks and weeks on end, just like it previously had. Just like it always had. The vicious cycle seemingly unbreakable.

Until she wakes up one night, until something feels off, wrong. And she knows, knows that it’s not her heavy breathing, not the sweat that makes her shiver because she had been trembling and tossing in bed, trying so desperately to wake up only to find that reality is nothing more but another nightmare. And yet she’s almost thankful for those dreams that night, the ones that woke her up, made her lie there and stare at the ceiling, listen to her own fastened heartbeat only to hear a whimper instead. 

She knows it’s Kara, is almost ashamed to admit that she heard said whimper so many times it’s now burned into her memory, something she’ll never forget, one of the reasons she can’t sleep at night. And so she gets up immediately, ready to find Kara in the living room, ready to stitch her up, ready to fall back to sleep with her. 

But when she opens her door carefully, all she sees is an empty living room, no blonde to be found. She is about to wonder whether she just imagined it, whether it’s been a disgusting trick her mind has played on her, when she hears it again, realizes that the sound is loud enough to pierce through the thick walls of their home, realizes that Kara is outside, that she didn’t even make it to the door. 

Said realization is enough to make her clench her fists, to have her fight the tears that are starting to well up in her eyes, the ones she tries to repress so desperately.

But then Lena sees her. Sees her lying on the ground. The sight makes her brain short-circuit all at once, makes her freeze in the doorframe, unable to move, unable to think, unable to do anything but stare at her beautiful best friend, now soaked in blood, in bruises. If it wasn’t for the slight heaving of her chest, Lena might as well have thought it was too late already. She might as well have thought that this was the day she’s been dreading for so long, the day she knew was inevitably going to come. The day she wouldn’t be able to save her. The day she’d fail her best friend and pay with both of their lives. 

Lena, however, doesn’t trust her own eyes. She crouches down next to Kara instead, almost lets out a relieved sigh when she hears the shallow breathing as well. She wants to smile, doesn’t allow herself to. She can’t. Not when she can’t even begin to fathom in how much pain the woman she loves must be, not when she can’t be sure that she’ll make it through the night. Not when she looks this broken, this lost. Not when it looks like it’s almost too late.

When Kara then opens her eyes, just ever so slightly, Lena begins to beg. Tears are now freely running down her cheeks as she calls Kara’s name out over and over again, tries to talk to her, tries to get her to talk back to her in response. All she gets is a little smile. One that’s barely even there, one that’s nothing more but the corners of her mouth curling upwards ever so slightly, weakly. 

It’s all Lena needs to get up again, to finally do something. 

She wants to bring Kara inside, wants to fix her, wants to help. But she knows that what has once been her responsibility is now too much to handle. It’s something she can’t overcome on her own, it’s something she needs help for. She knows that, if she wants to save Kara, she’ll finally have to bring her to an actual hospital. And she almost scoffs when she hesitates for a second, wonders what Kara would say, wonders what excuses the blonde would come up with just so she wouldn’t bring her there. And she almost acts accordingly. But then she looks down at her, forgets everything all at once, finally stops listening to her, finally does what she knows is right. 

When Sam asks her what’s going on, when she asks her how she got to the hospital, when she asks how she got Kara into the car, she can’t answer. She doesn’t know, can’t remember. Her memory is blurry, just like her vision, her eyes unfocused. She simply keeps crying for help, keeps begging until Sam finally gets through to her, hugs her, tells her that it’ll be okay. It doesn’t stop her from breaking down when they take Kara, pry the blonde away from her so they can take her to another room. She knows her friend needs this, knows it’s necessary, knows they’ll save her. She hopes they will, keeps begging that they do while her co-worker holds her, tries to tell Lena that she needs to calm down. But Lena can’t. She can’t do anything but sob, knowing that this might be the night she has to say goodbye to Kara, knowing that she couldn’t help. And she’s so scared. 

Lena is so scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reviews and Kudos are highly appreciated! Thanks for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is. Enjoy. Prepare for the angst.

Kara doesn’t wake up until 24 hours later. 

24 hours in which Lena worries, cries, only leaves the side of Kara’s bed to do absolutely necessary tasks, only leaves when Sam forces her to, tells her it’s okay to take care of herself, to eat. It’s those things that Lena doesn’t even think about, her mind still foggy, her eyes still unfocused, her whole being still longing for Kara to wake up, for everything to be okay. She knows it never is, but she likes to pretend with Kara, likes hugging her, likes being with her, likes to look at her, have her look back at her, both knowing that at least in that short moment that is going to dissolve soon, they can pretend to be okay. They can smile, genuinely and happy.

Smiling is another thing Lena hasn’t been able to manage that past day, not even when Sam came in to check on both her and Kara, not even when the brunette hugged her, so clearly caring about the two of them. She really wanted to, wanted her ‘thank you’s to be accompanied with a smile, wanted Sam to know that she really was grateful. After all Sam had covered Lena’s shift for her, came bearing foods and drinks whenever she could despite her hectic work schedule. She was there for Lena, didn’t pry, didn’t ask any questions she knew the raven-haired woman wasn’t ready to answer. And never, not even for one second, did she let Lena believe that any of this was her fault, that she was somehow responsible for the state Kara was currently in. Not even after Lena told her all about what’s been happening. And not for one second did she let Lena believe that Kara wasn’t going to make it. 

Lena doesn’t necessarily believe her, nods anyways as she looks at Kara. She can’t help that guilt washes over her whenever she looks at Kara, can’t help but feel utterly terrible about the fact that she had let it go that far, that she had let Kara get herself in so much danger. And listening to Sam tell her otherwise is hard when Kara looks like this, her wounds still red and angry and very prominent despite the doctors having cleaned them up. The bruises still dark. And she still looks so weak, too. So fragile and broken and Lena swears herself she’ll do anything to never have her see like this again. She almost smiles when she notes that Kara still looks incredibly beautiful, still resembles the woman she loves, still makes her feel so many things all at once. She still makes her heart beat faster, too, though for reasons she had never even wanted to consider, had tried to push to the back of her mind. 

And even though she wants to stay, is scared of leaving Kara alone for less than a few seconds, Sam finally convinces her that she deserves a break, that she deserves to go home and take a shower, change, get some coffee. She even offers Lena to do these things at her place, doesn’t want to risk her feeling even worse upon spending time in the apartment she shares with the now heavily injured woman. And Lena accepts said offer gladly, eventually leaves the hospital, though she still fights Sam even as she walks out of the door, feeling incredibly guilty already. 

It has to be some sort of extremely bad luck, perhaps the one they both deserve, that Kara finally cracks her eyes open just when Lena isn’t there, that she chooses the one single moment that Lena manages to leave in tears to wake up.

And yet ‘Lena’ is the first word that leave’s the blonde’s dry mouth. It’s the first thing she calls out, asks for. It’s the one person she needs, her name escaping Kara’s lips with a desperate undertone, her voice weak and hoarse, incredibly sad, almost sounds scared. Sam almost smiles, almost doesn’t have it in her to tell Kara that her best friend just left only a few minutes ago. But she knows she has to when Kara finally opens her eyes for good, when she groans loudly in pain and a desperate expression settles on her face as she looks around the room, looking for something. For someone. It doesn’t take long for the tears to start welling in her eyes, either, and Sam has to place a gentle hand on Kara’s arm in an effort to calm her down, though she knows it’s not helping, not as much as Lena’s hand would. Her presence alone would probably have Kara smiling, despite the fact she just almost lost her life, that she almost didn’t make it. 

Sam’s voice, too, is quiet as she speaks, afraid to startle the blonde who still seems to be incredibly weak, barely able to keep her eyes open at all. “Kara? Can you hear me?” Sam knows that she does, sees the expression on Kara’s face change ever so slightly. “Lena will be back soon, don’t worry.” 

Of course Kara perks up at that certain name, looks up at Sam with wide, hopeful eyes as she asks the question they should have all been asking the blonde instead. “Is she okay?” 

Sam nods with a soft smile, can’t help but admire how perfect they are for each other, can’t help but admire how deeply they care for each other. She feels it even more when Kara sighs in relief, allows herself to close her eyes again. As if all she needed was for Lena to be okay. As if that’s all that mattered. As if she valued Lena more than anything else. More than her own life, perhaps. Sam usually doesn’t like to entertain such thoughts, but she knows it’s true upon looking at them. She also knows that it probably won’t end well, hopes for them it does anyways. Wants them to be happy so desperately. Especially Lena, who she had never experienced being so utterly and incredibly happy as she had been upon meeting Kara, hadn’t ever seen Lena smile the way she does when she’s around Kara. 

Kara, who she had met several times before. Briefly, mostly, but enough to see, to understand, how she had become a crucial part of Lena’s life so quickly. Enough to see that they get along great, too. And still, they both need Lena in that moment (Kara especially) and are both relieved when said dark haired woman enters the room, slowly, carefully, as if she still can’t bear seeing Kara like this, then fast all at once as she practically sprints over to the blonde’s bed again, cups her cheeks in disbelief as she cries freely, silently tells said woman how much she loves her, how much she missed her, how scared she has been this entire time. 

Sam immediately gets up, decides to give them some space, decides to give them the moment they deserve. Gives them privacy and room to express their feelings, to just be with each other. 

They don’t even notice her leaving, are too busy crying and smiling and whispering beautiful words of reassurance to each other. They’re both alright and Lena hugs Kara like that’s all she needs once she is sure that Kara will be alright, that she needs this just as much. They hold each other like that for several moments, unable to move, unable to do anything but feel each other, listen to the beating of each other’s hearts in relief. Cry in relief, too. Lena almost can’t believe it, had, deep down, been close to giving up entirely. Her own life more than Kara’s. 

And she can’t help but laugh in pure joy and happiness and content when Kara goes as far as to kiss her cheek soundly. Her nose, then, her eyebrows, every single part of Lena’s face she can reach, every part she has deemed perfect in her mind so many times. She finishes with her lips, places a tender and loving kiss there. All that while she’s telling Lena how much she loves her, how much she cares about her, reassures her that she’s okay, that it’s not her fault, that she’ll do better. 

Lena, once again, can’t think. It’s overwhelming, finally getting to love Kara like this. It’s the best thing she’s ever experienced, too. And yet she selfishly wants to coax another promise out of her friend, wants to be certain that Kara won’t do this anymore, that she’ll stop leaving her, that she’ll stop getting herself in danger. Lena doesn’t want to feel scared anymore, doesn’t want them to pretend. 

And of course Kara notices, a thoughtful expression settling on her face as she studies Lena’s, gently brushing a strand of dark hair behind her ear. “What are you thinking about?” 

The question is simple, Kara’s words soft and barely above a whisper and yet she can see Lena’s smile falter, watches her open her mouth and close it again before she takes her hand, smiles reassuringly in a way that doesn’t feel quite as genuine anymore. “Nothing. I’m just- I’m happy to have you back.” 

Kara believes her, though she also knows Lena had been thinking about something darker, something not as easy to admit. But she doesn’t push her, just pulls her closer to steal another kiss instead. One that causes Lena to giggle and blush just as Sam interrupts them with an awkward cough, announcing that she’s back. When Kara and Lena look up at her, sheepishly, they can tell she feels somewhat guilty for interrupting their moment, but there’s also a teasing smirk on her lips that makes them both blush even more, makes Lena pull away just a few inches. Though she still has a hard time prying her eyes away from Kara, admiration written all over her face. It’s embedded in the way she looks at her, the way she gently caresses the back of Kara’s hand with her thumb. It’s the little things that Sam barely notices, but makes the two of them feel safer than they had in a long time. 

Though, unfortunately, Sam has to pull them out of their moment. She doesn’t want to, is responsible for checking up on Kara, as her doctor, anyways. She’s responsible to tell them that she has a few broken ribs, a concussion and many other things she describes in medical terms that only Lena understands, frowns upon, before reassuring Kara, once again, that she’ll be alright. And so Sam is also responsible for telling them that Kara has to stay a little longer, for a week, at least. 

A week in which Lena struggles to leave Kara’s bedside, again. She wants to stay there all the time, still feels scared, wants to relish in their new found comfort, their new found ways to express their feelings. She wants to relish in the way Kara looks at her as well, just wants to stay there forever and pretend that they don’t have to pretend anymore. That pretending is something they don’t have to worry about anymore. But it’s the bruises that remind Lena that they’re not there yet, that there’s so much they have to work on.

And so she reluctantly leaves every now and then, and if it’s just to shower, if it’s just to come back with pizza and potstickers and all the food Kara loves so much, misses so much thanks to the rather horrible hospital food. And she loves how happy those little things make Kara, loves that it’s another way for her to express her feelings, to make Kara smile. Though whenever she leaves, she also tries to get back as quickly as possible, still worried and scared, her mind still nightmare induced and constantly trying to tell her that Kara might not be doing that well after all. But every time she gets back to the small hospital room, what she finds is a smiling Kara, sometimes asleep, sometimes looking right at her, reaching out to pull her down for a sweet kiss. But no matter how she finds Kara, she feels herself calm down in her presence, feels her racing thoughts slow down, feels able to smile and laugh and joke and do all of the things she usually has a hard time with, between all of the chaos and pain. 

That is until one night, Lena doesn’t find Kara when she enters the familiar hospital room. Finds Sam and an empty bed instead. 

She immediately freezes, immediately panics and opens her mouth to ask the question Sam already sees clearly, already has a not quite ideal answer to. 

“I swear she was still here just a few seconds ago, I don’t-“ 

Lena doesn’t listen, is out of the room before Sam can finish her sentence. And she runs. Runs as fast as she can, hopes she can catch up with Kara who she knows is out there again, who she knows has just broken her trust all over again. And she’s furious, of course she is, wants to let out her anger, instead keeps it in and runs, even represses her tears, represses all the things she wants to feel. She runs until she sees her, calls out her name just to realize that she’s too far away already, that she’s on the other side of the street and making her way towards a dark alleyway. 

But she can see her, nonetheless. And she wants to tell her, wants to tell her how scared she’s making her feel again, how much pain she’s causing her again. 

Instead, she keeps running. 

She runs until, suddenly, all she can feel is a dull pain wash over her. Until suddenly all she can feel is her head hit the concrete, can feel her body ache and slowly shut down. 

And all she can hear is screaming. Kara calling out her name just like she had called out hers before, Kara yelling at the driver whose car had hit her, Kara begging her to stay with her. 

Kara telling her that everything will be alright, knowing that it is a lie. Until she suddenly hears nothing at all. 

Until she realizes just how much of a goner she really is. Has been, all this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to scream at me in the comments. I'm (kind of) sorry. 
> 
> Kudos are appreciated as well :)

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews and kudos are highly appreciated! :)


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